


i should move to a brand new city, and teach myself how to die

by celestiastarz



Series: You're Tommy and I'm Tubbo [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Blaze Hybrid Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), But He's Adopted, Cara | CaptainPuffy and Jschlatt are Siblings, Cara | CaptainPuffy is Clay | Dream's Parent, Demon Hybrid Darryl Noveschosch, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Dream thinks he's a god lol, DreamXD is a god, Drista is a beloved hero in another SMP, Dysfunctional Family, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friend and Wilbur are nblm but ao3 doesn't have a nb tag smh, Gen, Goat Hybrid Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, No beta we die like Schlatt and Wilbur, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Friend the Sheep, Other, Protective Older Brothers, References to Depression, Sheep Hybrid Cara | CaptainPuffy, Suicide Attempt, Title from a Mitski Song, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, ghostbur exists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-22 06:29:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30034488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celestiastarz/pseuds/celestiastarz
Summary: Tommy starts to wonder what loyalty means to him.
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Phil Watson, Cara | CaptainPuffy & Clay | Dream, Cara | CaptainPuffy & Niki | Nihachu, Cara | CaptainPuffy & Sam | Awesamdude & TommyInnit, Clay | Dream & DreamXD & Drista, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Eret & Floris | Fundy, Eret & Sam | Awesamdude, Floris | Fundy & Niki | Nihachu & Ranboo, Friend/Wilbur Soot, Jschlatt & Wilbur Soot, Niki | Nihachu & Ranboo, Sally the Salmon/wilbur Soot, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Series: You're Tommy and I'm Tubbo [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2209455
Kudos: 15





	i should move to a brand new city, and teach myself how to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy loses all hope, but something stops him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to a sequel to a fic I wrote! I won't take much of your time but if you are reading this before reading my other fic, "you're not a demon, there's a reason you behaved in that way", you might end up being a tad bit confused. Please read that first installment before you start with this. If you just want to read this fic alone, then you should read Chapter 18 from the story I had just mentioned! 
> 
> CW: S//icide attempt, mentions of worthlessness/depression, all warnings are in fanfic tags be safe guys

Of course, they never came. The party, the one he had designed was just for them. Gifts, cake, the beach - what more could they want? They wouldn't have cared, either way, none of them even tried to see him while he was suffering. It was horrible but he couldn't put it against them. Still, he felt his mind going in circles and all he had left was no one but himself. He was talking to the wind, he created an illusion that all his friends would show up, and he still thinks he's holding onto his sanity. Was there anything worth this world? At first, he thought of Tubbo but he, his Tubbo, burnt the compass. He wasn't any better, it was as what Quackity had said, another Schlatt. He had no one else but himself, no friends at all. And even if that statement is still true though, one person still came to mind.

It was Dream; his only friend was a green man in a mask, he thought bitterly to himself. Friend? As if he was anything near a friend to Tommy. He near he didn't care either if he lived or died. If anything, it'll be one less body to care for. One less person to check upon. He gave him the Dream Rider, his trident. Maybe this was his plan, exhaust Tommy to his limits until he came to this conclusion.

Exile was nothing but pain and suffering, he was ready to end it now. He had a path ahead and it didn't contain him. This was neither a cautionary tale to others of what happens when one succumbs to despair, nor was it done in anger of all those who failed him. He was tired, tired of being a hero and of being someone people titled as a leader. Because in the end, he was nothing more than a selfish child. As the rain continued to pour down on him, he decided it was time to climb. He built a pillar for sight-seeing, but now it was finally time to use it. So he climbed, mumbled to himself but they didn't come out as coherent. All that mattered was at the top of this pillar, all he needed was that.

Freedom, he thought to himself, that was what lied ahead.

His feet now against the unstable floor below, he stared above him. If there was a God, maybe he'll send a sign. He'll tell him to return home, safe and sound, and that the exile was no more than a few weeks. But even with his internal prayer, no answer arrived.

So we're doing this. He inhaled and exhaled slowly: the last breath he'll take, he'd hope. Light flashed over the trident as he lifted it weakly to the sky, then suddenly he pulled upwards by a gust of wind. Pressure combined with speed brought him closer and closer to the Heavens, a place he'd never thought to have been a home for his brother and former president. He sighed, maybe just maybe he'll see him again - in another world, or another place. He plunged his body into the sea, hoped that he will be able to reconnect to the beauty that once was. Submerged himself under the coral and wilt away like a dying flower.

As his body fell to the sea, he felt himself descend as his guilt began to rise.

He has realized that he regretted everything. L'Manberg, the wars, being Will's righthand man - was this all his fault? Every event he last described was something connected to him. He was impulsive, he's been that way since he was a child. It didn't make sense for him to be anything but his authentic self, even then he began to question things. Like was it worth it: he won it back, only to lose it again. He gained a homeland but had lost his friends and close allies. When he first joined the SMP, he did it next to Tubbo. But now, he was nowhere to be seen. He pushed him away, he pushed them away. No glory would be founded on L'Manberg's lands. No glory or justice at all. He wished he could cry as his arms and limbs became to dangle above him, he wished when he hit the water that he'd fall apart just like paper. He didn't deserve his friends, or his home, or his family.

Family, what a tragic word. Was it not Techno who had betrayed them? Was it not Wilbur who left him when he needed him most? Was it not Philza who both Tubbo and Tommy left behind only for him to return and take away the one man Tommy looked up to? No, he never looked up to Wilbur - he idolized him, wanted to be everything he was. It was alike worshippers to a God, not to say Will was a God or anything, but it was unlike a kid brother looking up to his older brother. It was unhealthy, but Wilbur took advantage of it. They taken his heart, tore it piece by piece until he was left with doing his own surgery on it. He had to fix it up by himself, bullshit.

Tommy was ready to fall. He prepared himself to finally fall and never be saved, after all, he was indeed a hero. Every damn issue on this SMP was caused by him and now had to also be fixed by him. He had to clean up his own issues, it was so unfair. How was he supposed to come to terms with the truth, if no one was going to stop him and tell him how to deal with it. If anything, this act would continue problems. It all came back to him having to play the hero. But he was no hero, heroes never get happy endings. They suffer and continue to suffer until it all ends in blood.

But this wasn't going to end in blood, no this was going to end beautifully.

As he closed his eyes and allowed his body to finally relax, he felt something rather unusual. Suddenly, he was no longer falling but he was caught by something. The ocean shot upwards, shaped like a fountain at the park. The water below him moved unnaturally to cradle him like a child, it was an odd feeling as he felt the waves around his skin. He doubted he supposed to bear witness to this occurrence - actually, he was meant to have disappeared in the sand. But no, a God who may have hated his guts had to have saved him. Gently, he was pulled closer and closer to the ground, or rather to the tip of the ocean. As the water around him lowered him, he was finally at the top of the ocean rather than under it. His survival instincts kicked in, he kicked his feet in circles in order to stay afloat. As he tried to make a clear understanding of what happened, he saw that someone was next to him, who most likely saw the strange act take place.

The mysterious person blinked with an unreadable expression on her face, before the ends of her lips pulled into a smile, "Fin-finally, I was able to catch you," her voice so quiet that if he wasn't nearby he wouldn't have heard a thing, she sounded exhausted as though she had done a grand task. Wait, a minute-

"What the hell did you do?" Tommy nearly screamed to her.

She laughed, Tommy never wanted to yell at a woman more and he barely yells at women... barely. She continued to giggle to herself before she whispered a "how cute" to his face before she took the time to explain.

"Magic!" She snorted a little at Tommy's agape mouth, "Okay, not magic." She giggled. "Then what?" Tommy was losing his mind more as he spoke this woman. "Well, I have powers," She elaborated, "I wasn't sure if that was going to work but seeing as you're not dead..." she didn't have to finish that.

"I see what you mean," Tommy looked up at the grey sky, confused as ever, "magic, heh." he scoffed, he didn't mean to be so grumpy but this whole situation was strange. First, he was going to drive into the ocean without any care left in the world. Then, he suddenly had a large regret sink to the pit of his stomach. And now, he's with this insane woman. On the scale of all his near-death experiences, this one truly takes the cake.

"Well, I have to send you on your way." The woman's eyes were focused.

Tommy blinked, "Way? What way?"

She tilted her head, "You want to go home, right?'

He gasped as though she had said the most outlandish thing in the world, "Of course I want to go home! What kind of, wait- how did you kn-"

The woman shook her head, "No questions. I hate answering them."

What did she even mean by that?

"No questions? You expect me not to have questions?" His eyes went dark, as his voice proceed to get louder, "A part of the fucking ocean just broke my fall and now I learned that apparently, people like you have powers to control that kind of shit? Hell, what even is your name? Are you even real or did I go drunk?" Had the party actually happened? Did Dream bring his supply over or something?

She chuckled at that addition at the end, "Alright, I set a boat at the shore. You have to untie it and row it to your home, but you have that compass, it'll be easy to get home safe and sound. I'll make sure the waves are careful with you, alright?"

"Wait, how did you know about the compass?" Tommy was taken aback, he had that thing shove in his pockets. There was no way she should know that but him, unless she was a petty thief or something - he wouldn't put it past her.

She shook her head yet again with a distinct stare, "No questions."

Tommy rolled his eyes, this was getting ridiculous, "Fine, but please tell me something about you that's batshit insane so I know you aren't just my brain or Dream playing tricks on me?"

She narrowed her eyebrows, "You think Dream is controlling me?" The woman almost sounded offended, "Why would I, or rather Dream, put a boat on the shore when he purposely wants you to stay here so he can trick you into being his friend?"

"He didn't... trick me.." Tommy managed to gasp out, breathless by her assessment of what happened over exile.

"Right, right." She nodded along, but didn't sound like she believed him, he didn't like it one bit, "Well, as for the other comment: I'm not too sure what to say other than I really like foxes!"

Tommy wished he was in the mood to laugh but he was still in shock, instead, he flinched at the change of tone, "Wow, uh- that was - okay, I can't tell what's more surprising. The fact you actually obviously know things that you clearly shouldn't be knowing or the fact you gave me such a mundane fun fact about yourself, which just increases my suspicions of you actually being even more insane."

She hung her head back, as a gust of laughter bubbled over her. When she looked back at her, a cherry sweet smile was present on her face, "But at least you know I'm not in your head!" She sang to herself, as she dragged the last vowel in 'head'. She seemed too cheerful for Tommy, what on Earth was she on and how could he get it?

It was true though, Tommy wasn't too fond of foxes.

"Anywho, you should on your way back," She lifted a hand to point to the boat, Tommy turned his body to see that it was tied to a fence near the party decorations he set up, his stomach churns at the sight of it, "you have to manually row your way back, but you seem strong enough for it." She patted his shoulder as he tried not to cry at the pure emptiness of the area. He was indeed not strong enough to row the boat, at least not on his own. Although it was clear the woman knew this too, his pure determination alone would help him get back home.

A flash of memories appeared before him, he and Tubbo's first meeting. A box was set at their door, a knock was heard. Both he and Phil had open the door and he was the first to spot the crying boy in the box, no older than he. Another memory, his and Wilbur's first mini-concert in the living room. He played the piano while Wilbur played his guitar. Techno was asked to play the violin but declined as they began to play Megalovania. Another and then another: smiles from his friends and laughter erupted from their throats. Joyful expressions and even the scent of hay and dirt. A window with drops of rain,

"Tommy?" The woman snapped her fingers, "Tommy!"

"What's your name?" Tommy spoke quickly as if his life depended on the answer, "Please, that's all I need."

The woman frowned, it was like she wanted to be unknown forever. But there was a reason she saved him, other than she had the ability to and was there at the right time. He hadn't seen another human around for who knows how long, then randomly this woman came up and noticed the pillar and just so happened to have stepped in. It was nonsense and Tommy had spoken to a ghost. Even though this woman infuriated him to death, there was a reason she chooses to not state who she is to him. She had a name but didn't want to share it. There must be more to her.

"I cannot tell you without-" she bit her lip and never finished that sentence, "it doesn't matter who I am, trust me. I am unimportant compared to you." Tommy clenched his jaw, "Tommy, Tommy. Please, go home."

Tommy wasn't content with her response, but he couldn't press her further. He'll get nothing but dead ends.

"Alright, but promise me that you'll pay a visit to me," he thought for a moment, "with permission of my father, of course."

She tilted her head, as she smiled sadly, "We'll see. It's a big world out there, who knows. Maybe you already know me from somewhere else." Before Tommy could ask her what that means, the woman spoke for one final time: "Goodbye, Tommy. I am glad I was able to meet you, despite the.. circumstance I found you in."

"Yeah," if Tommy would move his arms, he would have lifted his hand to scratch the back of his head, "same here... I guess." She fell silent, but her green eyes showed him sympathy for what happened. He felt bad too in a way, he wasn't all too good with interactions but he hoped that the next they spoke that he was a bit kinder. Maybe she understood why he acted the way he did and forgive him. Was he even worth such a thing?

She waved him goodbye before she swam away, her figure disappeared over the horizon. He supposed it was his time too, She planted a boat for him after all. Home, did he truly want to go home? After all, the exile punishment was partly his fault. The more he thought about it, the more he was given reminders of his friends and family. It didn't matter what happened before, they'd surely be happy to see him. He knew deep down they all loved him, or at least he loved them. He felt chills on his back at that thought. He did enjoy the company of his friends, who were mostly just citizens of L'Manberg and allies who aided him in war, but he never thought twice about how they felt for him. That was a chance they were all just lying to him about his importance and whatnot. Maybe his exile was being broadcasted right now, for them to all point and share a laugh. He doesn't want to return home and realize that they were all enemies. But then again, that's what happened with his brothers.

Maybe that was his problem, he was too trusting to those who don't deserve it. Betrayal after betrayal was all that occurred, first was his brother and then... his brother. He realized that he sensed a pattern there, but his mind threw it away; it doesn't matter now. What mattered was that there was at least one person who didn't betray him who was still waiting for him at home, his Tubbo. He could finally visit him again and be able to hug him again. Sure, he did call him selfish, exile him, and caused him to spiral into a depression - but it wasn't exactly a betrayal, right? Maybe he should apologize, then he'd apologize too! That's how those things work right? Once you say sorry, you get forgiven for those actions. It was like give and take, though truthfully he didn't fully understand the meaning of that phrase, he just heard Wilbur say it before.

But then he remembered, his Tubbo. He was told by Dream that he also had a compass connected to him. At first, he didn't want to believe it - the thought alone was quite frankly sad - but what sold him was what happened to it. It was burnt, destroyed, whatever he did that thing was _gone_ _gone_. Dream even expressed sorrow for him when he told him it, he stopped him before he dived into the lava. Dream, at the very least, cared a bit for him. He didn't trust him, hell he doubted it'll get to even a friendship with him, but he felt as though he could at least be someone he can turn to. But he hated being trapped, the thought of it made him sick to his stomach. The idea that Dream forced him into exile, pretended to be a friend, and then proceeded to sit there and watch him decay was all apart of a bigger plan that made him feel worse about exile. It was why the woman saying that Dream had tricked him that made him do defensive. Dream wasn't a friend, he didn't play games with him - he was a lonely fucker, as lonely as Tommy who sought his company. Because Tommy's presence scared him, that's the one thing that gave Tommy a reason to stay afloat. But now she questioned it, and now Tommy realized why he was on top of that pillar.

Power, that was the one thing that gave Wilbur a purpose and it gave Dream a reason. Tommy wanted power, but not in a hungry way, but rather he wanted it so he'll be able to be free. All he wanted was to help everyone and free them from their chains, that was what L'Manberg was about. What was the point of fighting, if you know that you lost everything. Because L'Manberg was his everything. He was even willing to allow it to be given to Tubbo, even if he was hesitant at first. He was ready to let go of being a hero. He didn't want a role on the throne, but he did want a seat at that table he fought to earnestly to be at.

Tommy thought back to the woman. Her power saved him. She didn't have a reason to save him, she didn't even have a reason to be here. Hell, he doesn't even know her first name. For all he knew, he was caught in a big dream (or maybe nightmare, but he'll shiver at the word) where nothing was real and nothing mattered. But he was still alive. He wasn't meant to be alive right now. He was supposed to choke on his tears, drown, and die. But, for some unknown reason, she decided to lift the ocean and gently carry him down to the water that he is still swimming in. Why was he swimming? He could drown right now and it'll be the same ending he wanted. But the woman, she did everything to save him, he couldn't allow her generosity to fade away. She gave her a second chance, even if the people of L'Manberg didn't want his return, at least she did.

His finger prune as he continues to bask in the glory of the sea. For the longest time, he had stated he dislikes small spaces so the ocean never scared him. He hated when he lived in small train carts and empty houses filled with nothing but dust and bugs. But the ocean had always been a friend. It was everything at once, all the things he wanted to be. It was open, loud, peaceful, angry, calm, and free. Free, he thought to himself as he looked over the shore and felt his pockets get heavier. The compass was still hidden deep within one of them, Tubbo was the one person who was by his side through everything. God, he wanted to see him again. He shut his eyes, memories of bread and lanterns and holidays and towers. Of people that he appreciated in his life, of dad and his brothers, and of his brother's ghost. They continued to watch him from the afterlife. He loved them all so much.

In the end, he left behind the trident within the sandy shore, and the rope the connected the boat to the fence of the beachside party was now unknotted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, this was fun to write! I decided to continue with just using a quote from the song the title is based on lol it's from Mitski's song "Brand New City"! Continuing with the tradition, I shall be using quotes from Mitski songs so if you have any suggestions please me in the comments! Chapter 2 will be out soon, so be on the lookout for that! Bye guys :D
> 
> Twitter: celestiastarz  
> Tumblr: celestiastarz


End file.
